Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[not if I wipe
thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[ what a
guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[no-good-for-nothin'
lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that
works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have
that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[you
think?!]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who would have
thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something
stronger than duct tape?!]
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
[heprobably
IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[were'nt
they fat enough the first time?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[that's what he
gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[definitely worthy of a
headline!]
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
[thatwas
really giving of himself!]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[TexasChainsaw
Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[boy, are they
tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
[I
certainly hope so!]